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I might not seem autistic, but that doesn’t mean it affects me any less. On the outside, I might look like everybody else, but inside my own head, it’s a completely different story.
Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that I become motionless, unable to even pick myself up out of bed. I feel every single emotion so strongly that, to others, I may come across as extreme or intense. I wish it were easy to meet new people, but social anxiety holds me back, leaving me unsure of what to say.
When social situations begin, I start to stim – a natural response, but one that draws judgmental looks that are hard to ignore. So, most of the time, I try to mask, behaving in ways that society expects. But how can I be authentic and true to myself when doing so comes at the expense of social acceptance?
I’m often told that I’m too hard on myself, that everything will be okay if I just try my best. But unfortunately, to me, my “best” means perfect, and anything less is unacceptable to my brain. When I see others working harder or doing better, I struggle to take a break, to rest. Instead, I push myself to the point of burnout, where the world feels like it’s closing in on my chest. Every noise becomes louder, every feeling stronger, and I become hyper-aware of every single sense.
Yet, despite all of this, I was repeatedly misdiagnosed – doctors assuming I was simply anxious or depressed. The truth is, I am neurodivergent. I was overstimulated, overwhelmed and desperately needed to learn how to decompress. Instead, I withdrew from the world, often becoming nonverbal, left speechless by my own exhaustion.
I spent so long believing I was the problem – always the first to apologise, always begging for forgiveness. I thought something was wrong with me, and my low self-worth became my greatest weakness. I couldn’t understand my own brain, which made me feel like I was hiding some devastating secret.
I was constantly trying to glue shattered glass back together without even knowing what had broken it in the first place.
But I wasn’t broken – I was autistic. I spent so much time searching for a fix when, in reality, there was nothing that needed to be treated.
